one step forward two steps back

So he made it 36 days.

I knew it on Sat. He seemed drunk. He denied it, but it turns out I was right.

I found a bottle in a new hiding spot on Tuesday. I left it there, and last night there was a 2nd one there. So I told him that I knew he was drinking again. Very matter of fact. No emotion, just detached facts. After his stunned silence, he admitted it. I reminded him I love him, not his actions, and asked what he was going to do about it, if anything. That I have to take care of myself and the kids, he needs to take care of himself. He said he would go to more meetings and find a sponsor. I did set a boundary that he cannot drive the kids anywhere from now on. period. I will remind him of this.

So today he called me and thanked me for 'kicking him in the butt'. Doesn't he see it? I'm not doing anything. I just bring it in the open. He referenced that at our first group meeting too, that I pushed him. WRONG. Nope, I didn't. He asked me to help him get help. According to his counselor, he hasn't bought into the fact that he can't control this. He says all the right things, but doesn't believe them, deep down. He said he relapsed because he wanted to see what it felt like. All together now, can we say rationalization?

I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night. Was quite uncomfortable, with all the people trying to give me these soft, lame hugs. But it was divine intervention again. At about 2:30, I had made a decision to find one to go to, so I found a place that worked with our schedule last night, and went. The topic was "Detachment with love". How appropriate. I had first hand experience last night, and I'm proud of myself and how I handled it.

He is lying about a lot of things now. I've found out a couple of things to prove it. But I can't do anything about it. I will try another Al Anon meeting or two, and proceed with my own well being and that of the kids.

I'm trying really hard not to be pissed about this. I know it is part of recovery, but it still pisses me off. I am sort of relieved this first relapse is out of the way. I just hope and pray he gets back on the wagon. I'm not sure he will. One of those lies was about the meetings too, so we'll see.

In the meantime, he is staying in one spot, and the kids and I are moving on. Without him for now. How sad.

Gee, this blog is good for me! Whodathunkit?!

Gotta love those All Day Meets!

Sorry, not a peep meet. It was a swim meet! Had to get up at 6am this morning so that DS could get to the pool by 7am for warmups. Thankfully a good friend whose daughter swims with DS picked us up. That way DH and DD could sleep in a bit. So after warm ups, we sat and watched other kids swim 400 yd IM (individual medley, which means 100 yd each of Butterfly, Breaststroke, Backstroke and Freestyle) and waited about 1 1/4 hours until DS actually swam in a race. 50yd Freestyle. He did FANTASTIC! His time was 1:03.90, which was 3.5 seconds faster than his previous best, and only .61 slower than a state cut time! WAHOO! Then we waited another 45 min to watch him swim the 200 yd Backstroke. His best friend was in the lane next to him. Those two are so competitive, especially when it comes to Backstroke. His friend is a better sprinter, but DS is better at long distance. Anyway, he finished just ahead his friend, finishing in 2:43.45, while his buddy finished in 2:43.97. The best part? He knocked off 9 seconds from his best time, and is less than 2 seconds off of a state time! Another WAHOO!

He ended up in 5th and 6th place overall, and got medals for his hard work. His coach said "See, all that hard work you have been putting in is paying off." I love when the coaches show encouragement too.

So then home for lunch and back to the pool for DD's portion of the meet. She was a little envious of the medals, and had hoped for one herself, but it wasn't meant to be. You see, there are over 5o girls that swim in her age group at these meets, while less than 1/2 of that total swim in DS's age group as boys. So her chances are slimmer. She did end up with a best time in her 50 yd Freestyle, and felt good about that. I'm thrilled that she is still willing to get up and swim in meets, and that she keeps having fun. I keep telling her that she is only 9, and has time to work on getting better. Compared to DS, who started swimming when he was 9, she started when she was 6, and I'm hoping will be an even better swimmer! Of course that is hard to swallow when you are watching your brother get the glory, but I give her plenty of praise and compliments too. I'm thrilled that she got 1 best time, since the last meet she didn't get any! Improvement of any sort is GREAT!

So now I'm hope, gonna make Thai noodle dinner that is gluten free, and begin another week.

Did you have a good weekend?

Reflections

When I first created this blog, I really wondered if I would ever really post anything. I have found that this place is a great form of therapy. I say things that I can say, without giving away too many details, but still get the thoughts out of my brain and psyche.

I've been dealing with a bit of depression the past few weeks. It is totally selfish, but it stems from DH coming out of the alcoholic closet, so to speak. There are so many aspects of it.

• I'm mad because our lives have so changed. First we had to deal with the Celiac disease, which has been ok, but a challenge nonetheless. Now this? I'm not a big drinker, but I certainly know how to tie one on occasionally, and most of our friends are the same. Does that mean we won't be able to do so many fun things that we have done over the past 20+ years, all of which involve drinking? I mean I don't want to tempt DH, but then I feel I am being deprived too. I've been told that I am being extrememly supportive, by his group counselor. I say all the things that I know I should, and I believe them too, but that selfish part of me is mad.
• I'm sad, because I didn't see this coming. I know DH has always drank too much. I have told him so many times, starting back in college. I even gave up drinking for a whol year once, just to prove to myself that I could. And every once in a while over the past years DH has had 'too much to drink' and I could see it, and I let him know I wasn't pleased about it. He always agreed (typical addict, I'm sure he believed it too) and would slow it down for a while, then it would happen again. But I had no idea the extent of his drinking for the past couple of months before April 12, when he finally reached out for help. And that makes me sad, guilty, mad, you name it.
• Somewhere inside of me, I am mad about not going to Los Cabos. I know that it is the right thing to do, but it still disappoints me that I am depriving myself. I know that DH said to go on my own, but first, what fun would that be? I would be constantly worried about him back here, and feeling guilty knowing that he would know what I was doing, since he was there in Aruba last year.
• Another part of me feels the martyr for having to deal with everything going on in our schedule. I know that I was doing most of it before, but at least then I could rely on DH to make dinner when I was running around to the pools, or watch DD while I was carting DS around. Now I am doing 99% of everything, and it is wearing on me. Poor dragonflies, losing her identity. But then I feel guilt about feeling martyrish, because wouldn't I rather do this now instead of having to live completely without DH? Of course!
• I've had to ask for a lot of help from other parents. They have all been very willing, even though all but one have no idea why I have to ask for help. That makes me feel guilty too.
• All of this has had an effect on the kids. I've tried really hard to keep things at home as level as possible. And they are happy they are getting their dad back. But it has had some effect. Like DS mentioned how we rarely eat as a family now. Hopefully that will change after DH is done with his intensive program to get him started on sobriety. I know he'll be going to AA meetings, but hopefully it won't be 3 times a week until 8:30 every time. Maybe some of those he can come home for dinner first. Or we can work them into our schedule a little easier.
  
• Lastly for now, I sprained my ankle badly almost 3 weeks ago. As a result of our lives, I really haven't been able to rest it much. But I don't have a choice. DH has meetings 3 times a week, and the kids still need to get to their activities. Plus I have my PL business, although I was able to switch a few things around to slow that down a bit. But my ankle still swells up every day, even though I am taking Ibuprofen all the time, and it hurts. PITA. Just enough to put me over the edge.

It is really hard for me to deal with this, as I am a strong person, an optimist. People say what a trooper I am. And I truly don't enjoy being depressed (ok, that sounds bad, like who does?). But it makes me feel ungrateful, weak, and most importantly not trusting in My Lord to take care of me. That is something I have been working on really hard the past week. Giving the things I need to into His care. I admit I haven't been doing that much lately. But I tried to focus on that this week, and I do feel better as a result!

Now that I've gone through 4 tissues, I will need to check my makeup, and get back to work! What a great therapy this blog is! Have a great weekend! I will. We have a volleyball tournament with DS tonight and tomorrow, picture day with the swim team, then the rest of the weekend to putz around out in the yard.

But don't even get me started on the Mother's Day thing. What a mixed blessing that is! LOL, I'll just enjoy it...

I'm grumpy

I've been grumpy and suffering from self pity all week. Of course, I blame it on the weather. It is supposed to be nice this weekend, like 70s, maybe 80! Hopefully that will make me feel happier.

Got any good jokes?

Change of plans

Ok, so taking into consideration recent events in my family, DH & I have decided not to travel to Los Cabos. I am totally fine with that! Earning the trip to Los Cabos was important to me, but actually going wasn't quite as important to me as my husband is. Last year, going to Aruba was a big thing, but not so much this year. Plus it wouldn't have been quite the same anyway, as a couple of good PL friends weren't going either. I still get to say I "earned" the trip, and in lieu of going, PL will give me a $500 gift certificate! More GC to help fill my candle closet!

Watch out Sammy!

PL is coming to Cabo Wabo!

Wahoo! I (unofficially) have earned my trip to Los Cabos this May! DH is going too, although his trip isn't completely free (but it is cheaper than last year!) I say unofficially, because I haven't received confirmation yet, but I crunched all the numbers, and they all add up! This pic is one of the infinity pools at one of the 3 resorts we are staying at.
I am so pumped! I worked really hard this year, and although I didn't want this trip as much as I wanted to earn Aruba last year, it still means a lot to me! I guess I'm proving to myself that I can be successful at what I do. This is just a small portion of what I do, but a part I love. And I don't neglect my family, my faith or my day job either! Of course DD isn't thrilled about us going, but she'll get over it. And my dad is once again travelling up from Florida to watch the kids, which is so great. I"m so blessed that he is willing to spend 5 days and nights with 2 growing, active, and sometimes bratty kids! DD promised she would be nicer this year. She informed me that she is "much more mature now". My dad is going to turn 77 while we are gone, so the kids and I will make him a surprise cake!

Today is also my 1 year anniversary of promoting to a Unit Leader with PL. We had a little celebration meeting at our house tonight. It was great to see some new friends and some old friends! And the Ice Cream Cake was yummy. Poor DH can't eat it though, the crunchy middle part has wheat flour in it.

It really sucks, we find so many of our favorite foods are banned for him now. Pizza is a big one. And I feel guilty eating them, especially in front of him. He has told me that he doesn't want me to feel I have to go gluten free, but I don't like to eat his favorites in front of him. Especially since this is so new to us all. We still have to go grocery shopping at the natural foods store. He is really hesitant though. I think partly because every gluten free substitute has paled in comparison to the wheat filled original. We really need to find a good white bread. I don't know that we will... I think I also need to expand our menu. It will get boring if I don't. Problem is I'm not much of a baker or cook. Guess I'll keep trying and learning.

Weather

I tell you, it totally stinks when it goes from 2 gorgeous sunny days of 78-80 degrees Fahrenheit a current temp of 45, and cloudy.

I am ready for summer. I checked my plants, and I am seeing some sprouting. Now we will probably get a snowstorm, just to screw up the growth of those little flowers.

*sigh*

I really love volleyball season. For DS, that is. He practices or plays games between 2 and 4 times a week. The times vary. Sometimes 5-6:30 or sometimes 3:30-5. I love the latter. On those days, I have to leave work early to get home, since DD will be on the bus, and isn't ready to be home alone.

Today is his first game, at 4:30. I'm leaving early anyway.

Why do I do this?

I stress about stuff. Stuff I can't always control.

Like right now. PL. I'm stressing about earning this trip to Los Cabos. I need 3 people to start, and 2 have so far, but neither has actually qualified, which they also need to do. Then I need a 3rd. A person contacted me, and she is trying to put together enough sales to qualify by March 30. But who knows. I've talked to all 3, and they are all trying, so I need to just let that go.

Then there is the part about earning DH's trip for a discount. Right now, assuming all 3 of the above people qualify, I have earned my trip, and his for a slight discount. But at the beginning, we agreed to only go if we could get his trip for a significant discount. Right now I'm quite a bit away from getting to that goal. So what do I do? Stress about it. I have 5 shows on my calendar between now and March 29. Will that be enough? I don't know. But I can't let it go.

Guess it's the overachiever in me. Failing is not an option. My mind accepts that if I earn this trip, but not DHs at the buy in I want, that is not failing. But my emotional side doesn't.

So I am staying positive, and looking forward to the next 10 days!

Hey, anyone need any candles?

trial and error begins

As you may realize, our family is going through some major trial and error, regarding foods that are gluten free.

DS & I went shopping yesterday. We wanted to find some pizza crust that would fit the bill, since DH mentioned to me he misses pizza a lot.

We went to the local Pick & Save, which has a VERY limited gluten free section. Found 1 type of pizza crust mix. It seemed very easy to make, which is critical for me. I'm not a big baker or cook. I like to cook, but the hassle of getting all the ingredients has outweighed the ease of buying the ready made stuff. Up until now that has been the guiding point in my culinary achievements.

So we bought the dough mix, I took it home, and made the crust. The brand is called Namaste. Of course everyone had to inspect it and comment. Then parbaked it, and later baked it with sauce, cheese, canadian bacon and mushrooms (on half). So we sit down to eat it.

Not a lot of comments. No "Yum, this is great, or Yuck, I'm not eating this". So I figured I had made an achievement. We all agreed it wasn't the best and wasn't the worst. I still have the other 1/2 of the bag left. Not sure I will make it though.

Who ever heard of this?

Ok, so up until about a month ago, I had never heard of Celiac Disease. Now I'm becoming an expert. Ok, not really, but sort of.

Nearly 3 years ago DH mentioned he had been having some sort of pressure on his side. Not pain per se, but pressure, uncomfortableness. He went to our doctor, who couldn't find anything wrong. Over the course of the next 2 1/2 years, DH has tried numerous different meds, to no avail. It's been a roller coaster ride. The one good thing that came of this, we were at Six Flags July of that year, and he had an anxiety attack. As a result, he was hospitalized for observation, and decided to give up smoking. Hasn't smoked since. No idea if this was related, but I'm thinking in some way it was.

So fast forward to early Feb 2007. He goes to see a gastroenterologist, or something like that. The doctor thinks he might have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which sucks. But he wants to do one more test, a biopsy of DH's lower intestine, as he suspects an intolerance to gluten. What the heck is gluten I wondered. So I went to the mother of all info, Google, and found out. Simply put, gluten is a protein in wheat. Intolerance to it is Celiac sprue, or Celiac disease.

DH was scheduled for the procedure right before we went to NYC. He ended up rescheduling that appt, and the doctor had to reschedule the next 2 appts. So that brings us to last Wed, when DH finally had the procedure, without any sedative, btw.

Monday the doctor's assistant calls, and tells DH that he has Celiac disease. He doesn't have a severe case, but it is definately positive. So now begins a lifestyle change for our family.

I, for one, am happy we finally have a diagnosis. Now there is something I can do! Thanks to some friends from OT, and more googling, I've found out a lot more about Celiac Disease.

One thing that concerns me, it is genetic. So it is possible the disease could manifest itself in DS or DD. There is a gene that if you have it, you have a propensity for this disease, but not guaranteed. So we've made a decision to eliminate wheat products from DH's diet, and limit them with the kids.

We have an appt with a nutrionist next week. In the meantime, I've begun reading labels. Turns out that many companies are aware of this disease, and have taken steps to remove wheat from their products, or at least label them properly. The one questionable item is "Modified Food Starch". Turns out that most companies use corn, but it needs to be verified first.

Did you know that most of Lay's snacks (Doritos, Stax, Wavy Lays) are gluten free? Most food manufacturers address this question right on their site. However, licorice and jelly beans often have gluten in them. Go figure.

Makes me VERY happy this is happening to us now. It must have been horrid to try to deal with this before all the proactive labeling was required.

Did you know that an estimated 3 million Americans have Celiac Disease? Many of them don't even know it!

I've found a few sites that give good info, and am hoping to find out more.

Spring!

The weather is making me happy!

What a great weekend we had! Temps in the low 50s, which is above normal for March! We went to the Zoo. It was "Behind the Scenes" day. Didn't see a lot of behind the scenes, due to longer lines, but we saw the new Cat House, and I got to say Hello to my fav cats, the Snow Leopards.

Today it is in the mid 50s, and tomorrow should break 60! That is almost tanning weather!

Unfortunately, after that it is back to reality, and highs in the 30s again. Boo!

What are you happy about?

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Bragging rights

Ok, so I don't like to brag about myself. But I feel I can brag about my kids anytime, right?

DS had the 12 & under short course state championship swim meet last weekend. He didn't make any individual state times, but was fast enough to swim on 3 of 4 relays that were available. His best friend beat him in the 50 yard backstroke to take a spot on the 4th relay, which of course we were very supportive of. (Plus that way we only had to go to 3 sessions, as there is only 1 relay per age group per session, and as it was we were there Friday evening, Sat morning and Sun afternoon!)

So the first relay he swam really well! He was the backstroke leg of a 400 yard medly relay. They were the B relay team, and ended up in 14th place out of 18 teams. Not bad.

Day 2 was the highlight of his swimming career! It was the 200 freestyle relay, where all 4 boys swim a 50 yard freestyle, one at a time, just like a relay you would see at track & field. DS was the slowest seeded swimmer, and his coach put him in 4th out of 4 boys. The other 3 boys on his team are all in a more advanced group, and all had state cut times in the 50 freestyle. Well, after the race was over, our boys came in 11th! Awesome! But more awesome for us was when I saw DS's split time on his portion of the race. Not only did he BEAT the times of the other 3 boys on his team (which doesn't matter, just a personal thing), but his time would have been a state cut time, if it had counted! In relays, only the first leg counts as an individual time. But most importantly, now DS knows he can swim that fast!

I was so proud of my boy! Of course, DH was too! After the race was over I was ecstatic, and was accepting congratulations from all the parents around me. (as if I had swam the race, hee hee) We were all wondering where DS pulled such an incredible time from! He beat his previous personal best by nearly 2.5 seconds! So I was sitting there glowing, and DS came walking over, with the biggest grin I have ever seen on his face! He came running up to me and gave me a huge hug, which he doesn't do much anymore in public, being the "mature 12 year old". He was all teary eyed, and my tears were just flowing as well. I heard one of the other parents say "Seeing expressions like DS's make all of the driving so worth it!" That totally made it worth sitting at the hot pool for hours and hours!

Sunday he also posted a personal best time, and also beat the other 3 swimmers on his relay team. I just knew he was still flying on the high from Saturday!

Now he is already talking about swimming all 5 sessions at the Long course state championships in July! And getting some individual times as well.

We have a month off now, and start the next season at the end of March. DS can't wait! Neither can I.

My special offer!

I’m asking for help! I’m really close to my goal of earning the trip to Los Cabos for DH & myself. But I need a little help to get there!

I’m offering 2 ways to get free candles!

#1 – Have a $250+ show in March and you could get your choice of 2 or more of a list of 10 items each at a 60-70% discount! PLUS, if you host a $250+ home or catalog show and submit it to me by March 29, I will add $50 to your free hostess credit! Remember, you can schedule a home show or a catalog show!

#2 - Would you like to get a free candle Gift tin? They are Nectartini or Cherry Orchard. Just make a purchase now and get one of them for FREE! Make a $50 purchase and get them both for FREE!! I will be happy to send you a flyer that shows the pictures of the items mentioned above.

Act now, as this is a very limited time offer!

I must be crazy

So DD has been bugging me since November about going to see a concert. One of her good friends (who is way more spoiled than she is, believe it or not) got tickets, and of course she NEEDS to go too. (segway, this other girl has a phone in her room! And she is 9-10 years old!)

I told her that I would keep an eye on Ebay for good seats at a decent price. I looked at Ticketmaster, they were sold out right away. Not a good sign. So for the past 3 months I've been watching, and bidding where possible, to no avail. Oh, and the concert is this Sunday. So tick, tick, tick. (no this is not the show 24, or I might have to blow something up)

So today I looked, and some guy posted 3 sets of 2 tickets. He also posted his phone # if someone wanted to combine to get 4 or 6 seats. So I called. Looking at the going rates, the cheapest tickets were well over $100-150 a seat, which is highway robbery. After a nice conversation, I decided to buy the 4 tickets, for less than that, but still more than any ticket for any concert I have ever been to.

And DS doesn't even really want to go, or so he says. Might just be a 12 year old "I hate my sister so anything she wants to do I don't" thing, I hope. DH does want to go, which is what helped me to decide to buy the tickets. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, right?

Oh, and the concert?
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High School Musical.

*Sigh* I must be crazy. Tell me I'm not crazy!

shameless plug

Ok, so I think you all know that I sell PL candles, don't you? And you all know that last year DH & I went to Aruba. That was a free PL trip. Well, it was free for me. DH we paid a discounted rate for.

So this year, the trip is to Los Cabos Mexico. My goal is to earn both trips for free, or only have to pay a minimal amount for DH. That is where YOU come in!

If you or anyone you know it interested in getting some GREAT candles, just let me know, and I'll send you a link to our catalog. I don't really want to post that here. I am offering 20% off all purchases, as a little thank you to you!

Thanks for humoring me in my little venture!

So I officially have a preteen

DS turned 12 on Sunday. It feels odd to have a pre teen child. So sweet, he went to another kid's birthday party! We decided to wait until January to have his, especially since he can't make up his mind what he wants to do. Other than go to Wisconsin Dells, which isn't happening.

He is all of the sudden being more helpful though, so that could be a big plus. He helped me carry a cooler to the van, without being asked!

74 hours until we leave for warmer weather.

If I don't get back here, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

update

So I was googling something (don't remember what), and one of the top results was my blog! That reminded me to post an update. After all, it's been over a month!

So Winter is here, summer is gone. Darn. However, it will be around 50 here next week, so that is good. I just don't like Winter. It really creates too many problems for me. Driving during snow storms is horrid, and it's cold out. Can't really wear sandles, or walk around bare foot too much. About the only good thing about it is people burn more candles in winter. Not sure why, cause I burn them all year round. You can always use a good scented candle, especially when the air conditioning has been running for days.

We had a big swim meet this weekend. Both kids did FANTASTIC! I am so proud of them. DD actually qualified for the finals in the 100 yard Butterfly, but she was going to a birthday party this afternoon, so we pulled her out of it. DS was an alternate on a couple of races as well.

Got a call from my dad. He had stopped by a couple's house who he is friends with, for no apparent reason, other than to say "Hi". The wife wasn't feeling well, but seemed ok. Then the next day he got a call from the husband. The wife died! I feel so bad for him, and my dad. He was thankful that he had a chance to stop by. God does work in mysterious ways. RIP Mies.

I'm gearing up for a busy couple of weeks with PL. Doing a couple of fund raisers, including 6 different shows as part of a group fundraiser for the swim team. I sure hope it goes well!

Then in January the Los Cabos trip contest starts! So if any of you want to help me earn it by buying some candles, or trying PartyLite for yourself, let me know! (end shameless plug)

Is Summer over?

Wow, did we have a super fantabulous weekend! It was in the 70s both Sat & Sun. Worked great for DD's birthday party! We went roller skating, then to a pumpkin farm, where we took a hay ride to pick our own pumpkins. We've been going to Jim's Pumpkin Patch since DD was 1 month old!

After arriving back home, we played, ate pizza and ice cream cake, played some more. Then DD & her friends gave each other "make overs". That means putting make up on, and not in huge amounts either! Then watched Harry Potter and to bed! I couldn't believe they were all sleeping by 11:30pm, until 7:30am! Guess the high level of activity helped!

Yesterday the temps were only in the 50s, today too. There is talk of the dreaded 's' word, possibly tomorrow night. But it won't stick, since the ground is too warm.

So how's the weather been in your neck of the woods?

P.S. Anyone need candles? :)

Why do we blog, then don't?

Ever notice that blog entries go in streaks? I wonder why that is. Do our lives go in streaks, where we are too busy to blog, then not? Or are we too bored to blog, then not?

For me, I'm just too lazy.

Or a motormouth.