one step forward two steps back

So he made it 36 days.

I knew it on Sat. He seemed drunk. He denied it, but it turns out I was right.

I found a bottle in a new hiding spot on Tuesday. I left it there, and last night there was a 2nd one there. So I told him that I knew he was drinking again. Very matter of fact. No emotion, just detached facts. After his stunned silence, he admitted it. I reminded him I love him, not his actions, and asked what he was going to do about it, if anything. That I have to take care of myself and the kids, he needs to take care of himself. He said he would go to more meetings and find a sponsor. I did set a boundary that he cannot drive the kids anywhere from now on. period. I will remind him of this.

So today he called me and thanked me for 'kicking him in the butt'. Doesn't he see it? I'm not doing anything. I just bring it in the open. He referenced that at our first group meeting too, that I pushed him. WRONG. Nope, I didn't. He asked me to help him get help. According to his counselor, he hasn't bought into the fact that he can't control this. He says all the right things, but doesn't believe them, deep down. He said he relapsed because he wanted to see what it felt like. All together now, can we say rationalization?

I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night. Was quite uncomfortable, with all the people trying to give me these soft, lame hugs. But it was divine intervention again. At about 2:30, I had made a decision to find one to go to, so I found a place that worked with our schedule last night, and went. The topic was "Detachment with love". How appropriate. I had first hand experience last night, and I'm proud of myself and how I handled it.

He is lying about a lot of things now. I've found out a couple of things to prove it. But I can't do anything about it. I will try another Al Anon meeting or two, and proceed with my own well being and that of the kids.

I'm trying really hard not to be pissed about this. I know it is part of recovery, but it still pisses me off. I am sort of relieved this first relapse is out of the way. I just hope and pray he gets back on the wagon. I'm not sure he will. One of those lies was about the meetings too, so we'll see.

In the meantime, he is staying in one spot, and the kids and I are moving on. Without him for now. How sad.

Gee, this blog is good for me! Whodathunkit?!

Gotta love those All Day Meets!

Sorry, not a peep meet. It was a swim meet! Had to get up at 6am this morning so that DS could get to the pool by 7am for warmups. Thankfully a good friend whose daughter swims with DS picked us up. That way DH and DD could sleep in a bit. So after warm ups, we sat and watched other kids swim 400 yd IM (individual medley, which means 100 yd each of Butterfly, Breaststroke, Backstroke and Freestyle) and waited about 1 1/4 hours until DS actually swam in a race. 50yd Freestyle. He did FANTASTIC! His time was 1:03.90, which was 3.5 seconds faster than his previous best, and only .61 slower than a state cut time! WAHOO! Then we waited another 45 min to watch him swim the 200 yd Backstroke. His best friend was in the lane next to him. Those two are so competitive, especially when it comes to Backstroke. His friend is a better sprinter, but DS is better at long distance. Anyway, he finished just ahead his friend, finishing in 2:43.45, while his buddy finished in 2:43.97. The best part? He knocked off 9 seconds from his best time, and is less than 2 seconds off of a state time! Another WAHOO!

He ended up in 5th and 6th place overall, and got medals for his hard work. His coach said "See, all that hard work you have been putting in is paying off." I love when the coaches show encouragement too.

So then home for lunch and back to the pool for DD's portion of the meet. She was a little envious of the medals, and had hoped for one herself, but it wasn't meant to be. You see, there are over 5o girls that swim in her age group at these meets, while less than 1/2 of that total swim in DS's age group as boys. So her chances are slimmer. She did end up with a best time in her 50 yd Freestyle, and felt good about that. I'm thrilled that she is still willing to get up and swim in meets, and that she keeps having fun. I keep telling her that she is only 9, and has time to work on getting better. Compared to DS, who started swimming when he was 9, she started when she was 6, and I'm hoping will be an even better swimmer! Of course that is hard to swallow when you are watching your brother get the glory, but I give her plenty of praise and compliments too. I'm thrilled that she got 1 best time, since the last meet she didn't get any! Improvement of any sort is GREAT!

So now I'm hope, gonna make Thai noodle dinner that is gluten free, and begin another week.

Did you have a good weekend?

Reflections

When I first created this blog, I really wondered if I would ever really post anything. I have found that this place is a great form of therapy. I say things that I can say, without giving away too many details, but still get the thoughts out of my brain and psyche.

I've been dealing with a bit of depression the past few weeks. It is totally selfish, but it stems from DH coming out of the alcoholic closet, so to speak. There are so many aspects of it.

• I'm mad because our lives have so changed. First we had to deal with the Celiac disease, which has been ok, but a challenge nonetheless. Now this? I'm not a big drinker, but I certainly know how to tie one on occasionally, and most of our friends are the same. Does that mean we won't be able to do so many fun things that we have done over the past 20+ years, all of which involve drinking? I mean I don't want to tempt DH, but then I feel I am being deprived too. I've been told that I am being extrememly supportive, by his group counselor. I say all the things that I know I should, and I believe them too, but that selfish part of me is mad.
• I'm sad, because I didn't see this coming. I know DH has always drank too much. I have told him so many times, starting back in college. I even gave up drinking for a whol year once, just to prove to myself that I could. And every once in a while over the past years DH has had 'too much to drink' and I could see it, and I let him know I wasn't pleased about it. He always agreed (typical addict, I'm sure he believed it too) and would slow it down for a while, then it would happen again. But I had no idea the extent of his drinking for the past couple of months before April 12, when he finally reached out for help. And that makes me sad, guilty, mad, you name it.
• Somewhere inside of me, I am mad about not going to Los Cabos. I know that it is the right thing to do, but it still disappoints me that I am depriving myself. I know that DH said to go on my own, but first, what fun would that be? I would be constantly worried about him back here, and feeling guilty knowing that he would know what I was doing, since he was there in Aruba last year.
• Another part of me feels the martyr for having to deal with everything going on in our schedule. I know that I was doing most of it before, but at least then I could rely on DH to make dinner when I was running around to the pools, or watch DD while I was carting DS around. Now I am doing 99% of everything, and it is wearing on me. Poor dragonflies, losing her identity. But then I feel guilt about feeling martyrish, because wouldn't I rather do this now instead of having to live completely without DH? Of course!
• I've had to ask for a lot of help from other parents. They have all been very willing, even though all but one have no idea why I have to ask for help. That makes me feel guilty too.
• All of this has had an effect on the kids. I've tried really hard to keep things at home as level as possible. And they are happy they are getting their dad back. But it has had some effect. Like DS mentioned how we rarely eat as a family now. Hopefully that will change after DH is done with his intensive program to get him started on sobriety. I know he'll be going to AA meetings, but hopefully it won't be 3 times a week until 8:30 every time. Maybe some of those he can come home for dinner first. Or we can work them into our schedule a little easier.
  
• Lastly for now, I sprained my ankle badly almost 3 weeks ago. As a result of our lives, I really haven't been able to rest it much. But I don't have a choice. DH has meetings 3 times a week, and the kids still need to get to their activities. Plus I have my PL business, although I was able to switch a few things around to slow that down a bit. But my ankle still swells up every day, even though I am taking Ibuprofen all the time, and it hurts. PITA. Just enough to put me over the edge.

It is really hard for me to deal with this, as I am a strong person, an optimist. People say what a trooper I am. And I truly don't enjoy being depressed (ok, that sounds bad, like who does?). But it makes me feel ungrateful, weak, and most importantly not trusting in My Lord to take care of me. That is something I have been working on really hard the past week. Giving the things I need to into His care. I admit I haven't been doing that much lately. But I tried to focus on that this week, and I do feel better as a result!

Now that I've gone through 4 tissues, I will need to check my makeup, and get back to work! What a great therapy this blog is! Have a great weekend! I will. We have a volleyball tournament with DS tonight and tomorrow, picture day with the swim team, then the rest of the weekend to putz around out in the yard.

But don't even get me started on the Mother's Day thing. What a mixed blessing that is! LOL, I'll just enjoy it...