Reflections

When I first created this blog, I really wondered if I would ever really post anything. I have found that this place is a great form of therapy. I say things that I can say, without giving away too many details, but still get the thoughts out of my brain and psyche.

I've been dealing with a bit of depression the past few weeks. It is totally selfish, but it stems from DH coming out of the alcoholic closet, so to speak. There are so many aspects of it.

• I'm mad because our lives have so changed. First we had to deal with the Celiac disease, which has been ok, but a challenge nonetheless. Now this? I'm not a big drinker, but I certainly know how to tie one on occasionally, and most of our friends are the same. Does that mean we won't be able to do so many fun things that we have done over the past 20+ years, all of which involve drinking? I mean I don't want to tempt DH, but then I feel I am being deprived too. I've been told that I am being extrememly supportive, by his group counselor. I say all the things that I know I should, and I believe them too, but that selfish part of me is mad.
• I'm sad, because I didn't see this coming. I know DH has always drank too much. I have told him so many times, starting back in college. I even gave up drinking for a whol year once, just to prove to myself that I could. And every once in a while over the past years DH has had 'too much to drink' and I could see it, and I let him know I wasn't pleased about it. He always agreed (typical addict, I'm sure he believed it too) and would slow it down for a while, then it would happen again. But I had no idea the extent of his drinking for the past couple of months before April 12, when he finally reached out for help. And that makes me sad, guilty, mad, you name it.
• Somewhere inside of me, I am mad about not going to Los Cabos. I know that it is the right thing to do, but it still disappoints me that I am depriving myself. I know that DH said to go on my own, but first, what fun would that be? I would be constantly worried about him back here, and feeling guilty knowing that he would know what I was doing, since he was there in Aruba last year.
• Another part of me feels the martyr for having to deal with everything going on in our schedule. I know that I was doing most of it before, but at least then I could rely on DH to make dinner when I was running around to the pools, or watch DD while I was carting DS around. Now I am doing 99% of everything, and it is wearing on me. Poor dragonflies, losing her identity. But then I feel guilt about feeling martyrish, because wouldn't I rather do this now instead of having to live completely without DH? Of course!
• I've had to ask for a lot of help from other parents. They have all been very willing, even though all but one have no idea why I have to ask for help. That makes me feel guilty too.
• All of this has had an effect on the kids. I've tried really hard to keep things at home as level as possible. And they are happy they are getting their dad back. But it has had some effect. Like DS mentioned how we rarely eat as a family now. Hopefully that will change after DH is done with his intensive program to get him started on sobriety. I know he'll be going to AA meetings, but hopefully it won't be 3 times a week until 8:30 every time. Maybe some of those he can come home for dinner first. Or we can work them into our schedule a little easier.
  
• Lastly for now, I sprained my ankle badly almost 3 weeks ago. As a result of our lives, I really haven't been able to rest it much. But I don't have a choice. DH has meetings 3 times a week, and the kids still need to get to their activities. Plus I have my PL business, although I was able to switch a few things around to slow that down a bit. But my ankle still swells up every day, even though I am taking Ibuprofen all the time, and it hurts. PITA. Just enough to put me over the edge.

It is really hard for me to deal with this, as I am a strong person, an optimist. People say what a trooper I am. And I truly don't enjoy being depressed (ok, that sounds bad, like who does?). But it makes me feel ungrateful, weak, and most importantly not trusting in My Lord to take care of me. That is something I have been working on really hard the past week. Giving the things I need to into His care. I admit I haven't been doing that much lately. But I tried to focus on that this week, and I do feel better as a result!

Now that I've gone through 4 tissues, I will need to check my makeup, and get back to work! What a great therapy this blog is! Have a great weekend! I will. We have a volleyball tournament with DS tonight and tomorrow, picture day with the swim team, then the rest of the weekend to putz around out in the yard.

But don't even get me started on the Mother's Day thing. What a mixed blessing that is! LOL, I'll just enjoy it...