Ok, so I need to do a quick update. After rereading, maybe not so quick...
Life is crazy right now. I'm really working hard at work to make myself a place. I feel the new president-to-be doesn't connect with me. But after doing some soul searching, I've decided to stick with it and work my butt off to prove myself to him. So very little play time during the day.
Nights have been busy with the kids and swim. But Devon got his first 2 state qualifying times as a 13 year old this weekend! And he got them during 1 swim! He swam the mile (1650 yards) and qualified in both the 1000 yards and 1650! Yahoo! Marisa is still trying to get a state time as a 10 year old. She turns 11 in Sept, so she will go back to the bottom of the pile. She is really working hard, so I hope she gets rewarded. So far she has made it onto both relays, but just barely, so she needs to keep improving over the next 6 weeks.
I gave Don an ultimatum earlier this week. He has to get his act together (read: quit drinking) or get out. D-day is next week Friday June 20. The kids will both be gone at different camps next week from Sunday-Friday, so this is his chance. Of course I thought he would go to detox and some rehab, but he isn't. Supposedly tomorrow he is starting on the drugs that help him get through detox on his own. He is a lot of talk, but not much action. Typical addict. Frankly I don't believe he will succeed, and I am having a hard time supporting him. But I will do my best to do so anyway. It is really hard. I have drifted very far away, I feel like our marriage is going down the drain, and I am moving on, but he isn't. I don't know if I will be able to regain what I once felt or if I even want to. Sadly, I think Don really has no idea how far I've gone. We did agree that we will need some family and couple counseling if (although I said when) he gets sober. Now I know why some people stay with their spouses until the kids grow up. I feel that may happen for me too. If we were divorced, and he wasn't sober, it would make me crazy to give him visitation with them, not knowing if he was drunk. My biggest fear is that he hurts them. Then 2nd that he hurts himself or someone else.
One thing I have found out going through this whole experience. I am a lot more independent of a person than I thought I was. I don't want to, but if I have to, I can do this without him. And I will. For me and for my kids, who are the most important people in this world to me.
Ok, not to end on a downer. I am very happy The Mole is back! Got both kids totally sucked into it! And SYTYCD was great tonight too! And personally, I am exercising more, trying to eat better, although candy is still my downfall. I believe I am getting into better shape, which is great!
Thanks for reading! You are my friends. You know more than my IRL friends do, and I appreciate all your support! *smooshes*
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- dragonflies
- I love spending time with my kids, reading and gardening. I also am a peep meet ho wannabe.
11 comments:
*big hugs*
I honestly don't know how you do it.
DF: How much do your kids know about Don's drinking? I ask because I know that you are worried about him hurting them. And I don't take that as intentional, but more of him driving with them while he's drunk or doing something else that is careless because he is drunk.
Conner, who is 4, would probably not be able to grasp such a thing, but would your kids know not to get in the car with him or to call you or call 911 if they were in apparent danger?
*hugs*
I hope that Don realizes that there is a breaking point for you. It could be that he is taking for granted the fact that you continually support him and are there for him. If he doesn't really believe that anything bad will come of his alcoholism then he's just going to stay in his holding pattern.
I'm sorry it has had to come to an ultimatium. I know you've really struggled with your feelings of commitment and loyalty and also with the practical and realistic side of it with your fears and frustrations. In the end, you have to do what's best for you and for your kids. I don't think there's a clear cut answer on what that is, though!
I always say it, and it sounds kind of lame, but please take care of yourself and do some good things for yourself, too. Your kids and Don take a lot of your energy so just be sure to spend a little on yourself, too.
Congrats to Devon and fingers crossed for Marisa!
*hugs* I hope he can get sober, but I don't think he will. You ARE a very strong person. *hugs again*
Oh, DF, I am very sorry you're having to go thru such a rough period.
I could just shake people like your husband until their teeth rattled! He obviously has a good spouse and is willing to throw it away for a bottle of booze. It's hard when the addiction is stronger than the person. Hopefully he'll find the strength to save himself and your marriage before it's too late, if it's not already there.
Whether you go as a couple or not I think you need to see a counselor. Even if it's just to have someone safe to vent to.
Hugs sweetie. I'm hoping the best for you no matter what that is.
DF: As a recovering addict myself, I know you have to do what you have to do here, and I know it must be absolutely gut-wrenching. But I think the ultimatum is actually the most loving thing you can do for him right now, even though it feels like exactly the opposite.
And God only knows how tough it'll be on the kids, but then again, how tough has it been already? If you -- and they -- stop and think about it, were the "good old days" really that good?
Tummy: To an addict, the addiction is stronger than everything and everyone; logic is useless. That's why I believe there's no such thing as an atheist addict; he's putting his faith in SOMEthing, be it a bottle of beer, a joint, a roulette wheel, or a porn video to get him what he feels would make him "whole."
Or he can be like me, whereby I led a double life.
*hugs*
My Father in law is an alcoholic, though I don't know how long. He sits in his own room and drinks all day. His health is not well, but he is 70+ and retired, so MIL just deals with it.
I'm sorry for you, but believe YOU have the power to make good things happen for you and the kids... as has already been proven!
*hugs* I'm here for you.
*big hugs*
If it comes down to it... you can petition the courts that his visits are chaperoned (if he gets any visits). Harsh? Yes, but he needs it. He's not getting it. He's not getting what alcohol is costing him. Maybe getting a slap by the court saying he's not safe for his kids to be alone with will wake him up.
*hugs* I know this is hard for you because of the kids. If not for the kids, it would be hard, but not THIS hard. You are a smart, strong woman and have your priorities in order.
Wondering if you can ever get "it" back, if he gets sober, is a very real concern. Only time will tell. I've seen it go both ways.
As Boo said, I hope the kids know not to get in the car with dad if he seems drunk. I think he should have to tell them that, but I know that likely won't happen. Your kids are smart and strong, too. They can handle this with you by their side.
Thanks for all your comments and support! Yes, the kids know almost everything about Don, but not quite EVERYTHING. They don't know that I told him to get out if he doesn't get sober, just that I told him he had to get sober or there would be consequences. But they are smart, and probably figured it out.
I really don't think he fully understands how far away from our marriage I've grown. I will have to tell him sometime, but not right now. He will just use it as an excuse to drink. "oh, woe is me"
I really don't think he will succeed either deb, but I guess for now, as long as he keeps trying, I will too. I've gotten some good support and advice from a couple of IRL friends who know, and they have been helping me too. I'm very thankful I have them to bounce my thoughts off of, along with you!
Smooches to all of you, and a special hug to Cygnus. I know it is hard, but you are a strong man, and you have a strong wife with you, remember that.
First, Hugs to you DF. You are so strong and such a great mom! I do not have any great advice to add but please know we are here for you.
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