After a particularly hellish 5 days, Don is now officially in detox for at least the next 2-3 days. Hopefully he will remain in the facility in a different "unit" for sometime after that.
He got into an accident on Friday, and 2 tickets. One for Driving under the Influence, he was below the legal limit. The other for Failure to Control Vehicle. Combined 10 points and over $1000 in fines. Fun. Thankfully no one else was involved. The embankment he hit won though, as there is some damage to his beautiful car. Monday after I got his car out of the towing company, I snuck out in the evening and hid it at a friend's house, so that he couldn't drive.
I drove him to work on Monday, and then got a call that his boss was granting him a Leave of Absence to get some help. (read indefinite suspension). I think without pay, which sucks. No clarification on that point just yet.
But he is in detox for now, and I guess that is the first step.
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UPDATE:
Updating this on Thurs July 10.
He bitched and moaned about the 'jail' he was in all dang weekend long. His psychiatrist, whom I liked the minuted I talked to him was very forthright and in his face. Long and short of it, if his body was ready, Dr. would release him on Sunday, otherwise Monday. Or Don could leave, AMA. Turns out his levels were fine and he was released on Sunday. Yes, just 4 days after going in. Actually less than 4 days, cause he checked in at 3:30 on Wed, and checked out at 12 on Sunday. No day program, no long term care, not even 1/2 day program. Really frustrates me. Sunday (my birthday) sucked. Nuff said about that.
He is going to AA meetings, reconnected with his sponsor, and saw a therapist on Tuesday. Also met with a lawyer on Wed about the OUI (operating under the influence which is below the legal limit) ticket. Retained said lawyer and he will go to the court date on July 30 to try to get out of it or get it reduced. If not, Don will lose his license for 6 months. Now I don't condone driving under the influence, but did you know that a person who is stopped for OWI (operating while intoxicated) which is over the legal limit would lose his license for 9 months and the fine is only $15 more? That is kind of stupid, if you ask me. Why bother having a "legal limit" then. In fact, I would be all in favor of getting rid of that legal limit, or pullling it way way down. Like if you had more than 1 drink, you would be over. Ok, off the soapbox.
Anyway, we have had a mostly quiet week (evenings) so far. Don is worried what he will do next week when the kids are both back at camp. I've given him my suggestions, but he won't go explore any day programs, so he is on his own. His big thing is he doesn't want to be home alone. Sad, that he isn't even comfortable in his own skin.
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18 comments:
Oh my.
I keep writing and deleteing. I really have no words to convey how much I feel for you at this moment.
Sending you hugs across the miles, and some strength too.
I agree with Syren. I'm just not sure what to type, cause typed words can be read so many different ways.
DF? You have to think of you and your kids. Seriously.
*continued big hugs*
Oh hell. This brought tears to my eyes, thinking how this all must feel. I can't imagine what these past few days have been like. *hugs* Take some time to stop and bawl your eyes out. It's sometimes easier just to numb yourself, but make sure you have some time to just let it all out. Even if it's with the kids. Cry together.
I hope you and the kids can enjoy the 4th without worrying about Don. Good luck, hon.
*hugs* If this isn't an eye opener for him, I hope it is for you.
I have been reading and I admire your willing ness to stick it out. I haven't written anything though because my reply won't be a popular one.
I will just say this, he has now become a lethal weapon. I don't care that he put himself in harm's way but I do care about the innocent people who could have been killed. My SIL lost her father to a drunk driver and now my niece doesn't have a grandfather. Nothing inuriates me more than drunk drivers. They deserve what they get. But the innocent bystanders, including you and your children, do NOT deserve the outcome of his actions.
I'm sorry to come across as so cold and rude about it, DF. I really do. But this is my bigges peeve in the entire world. And an important one.
I admire you for taking your marriage seriously. That is another thing high on my list (people taking marriage seriously) but at some point you have to realize that he is endangering the people around him. Most importantly he is endangering you and your children.
A $1000 fine for 10 points is nothing compared to a manslaughter charge against him that will suck every penny out of your bank and could possibly include a lean against your home when YOU get sued because you are his spouse.
Again, I AM sorry for being so honest, up front and blunt. But I do care about you. You've become a part of all of our lives and I care about you and I would feel remiss if I didn't say what was on my mind. I will understand if you ask me not to post here anymore. *hugs*
Sorry again. :(
Thank you again my dears. I feel like a broken record!
And Carey, I do appreciate your honest and heartfelt concerns. I completely agree with you. I have had those exact same thoughts many times. Sadly, I think he has been a deadly weapon longer than I realized. I have told him what I think about that (which is very similar to how you feel). That is also why the only time he drove the kids was in the mornings, before he could start drinking. I wasn't aware until recently that he was drinking as much as he was during the day. When I surprised him at home one evening, and he arrived after me, and was already impaired, I knew it was too much. That was when the ultimatum came. He tried, and failed. The day he got in the accident I had taken his keys, but he used the valet key that I had forgotten. Alcoholics are very resourceful. So I removed his car (hid it), and took the key out of the lawnmower too. He rode his bike. *sigh*
For now he is in the detox, and hating it. *sigh again* They are very restrictive. I say tough. I have to go there on Sunday at 1pm for a family meeting (without the kids). We'll see what happens then. At least I will have a peaceful weekend.
We'll go from there. If this isn't the end, I feel that it will be the end of our marriage. Hell, it probably already is, but I will be one of those stupid people who stays together "for the kids". But only if he is sober.
Anyway, thanks again all of you. I very much appreciate your support and I expect you to be honest with me what your thoughts are.
That is what friends do. Real friends. (note, I didn't say IRL, just real)
Dang, I know how to ramble, don't I?!
*no words*
*big hugs*
DF - I'm really sorry you're going thru this. I know you're trying to be strong and tough and unfortunately you'll probably have to be even stronger and tougher in the future. You yourself also need to get help. Have you checked out Alanons? or does the detox center have a support group for loved ones of addicts?
I hope the road gets less bumpy no matter which branch you take.
Huge hugs
Dawnya
Tummy has a GREAT idea. You really should check out Alanon or another support group. *hugs*
This could be the "low point" he needed. I'll just echo what all our other friends said here. We're here for you.
{{{big hugs}}}
*bigsmooches*
Just checking in for updates and an extra {{hug}}.
DF if he won't go to a day program then he's going to fall right back to drinking. But HE has to want to go, nobody can make him. I find it extremely sad that he doesn't want to get better.
Agreed Breezy. He does want to stop drinking, and at this point really believes he won't drink again. Well, that makes one of us.
Addiction is a rotten disease. You can't help no matter how you want to. The addict has to believe he/she needs help, and then has to do something about it. Don does realize he needs help, but he doesn't think a day program will be anything new than what he has already gone through. Uh, DUH. That is why I and others have suggested a long term program.
Hugs DF. With his attitude you have a very long road ahead of you and some tough decisions staring you in the eyes.
I hope you have a strong network of friends and family around you.
I went thru what you're going thru with my ex. Add addiction onto rage syndrome and it wasn't pretty.
So I feel for you and wish you much strength.
And seriously, check into Alanon. They were lifesavers for me.
The AA Big Book chapter "To Wives" is a must read, IMO. It talks about what not to let your husband get away with, among other things.
I too have been struggling with my addiction here of late, which is a fancy way of saying I don't believe I'm powerless. Reality (from which I often try to escape) shows me otherwise.
I had to get to the point where I had to say I don't want ANY of my lust anymore. I can't handle even a little of it, because there's no such thing as a little of it.
I've been sober and praying since I hit that point. I pray that Don finds God now.
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